Forgiveness

Last year was a disaster for our family. We went through a lot. I have enjoyed the (somewhat) peace of the house this year, but I was still having some struggles.  I felt spiritually dead. I kept assuming it was depression or pregnancy hormones. I knew something wasn't right though and I couldn't figure it out. I would pray, but I was often distracted and really uninterested. I even felt distant from some of my children, like I had put up a wall, but couldn't figure out what to do to put it down. I wanted to get back to where I was before, but I was just lacking something.
This past weekend I had to go to Texas for a parent seminar. I really dreaded going to be perfectly honest. I really didn't want to have to sit and talk about how to parent my child, who at this time had been in the program for six months. But I grudgingly went, with a book stashed in my purse to keep me busy in case I became too bored.
I saw so many people on fire for God. A calling in their lives to live for Him and to help girls in trouble. The stories they told!! The power of God is amazing! I sat there though and thought " why don't I feel that way?"  It wasn't until the end of the day as we were praying that I heard God speak to me " You need to forgive."
The next day we went home and it was still on my heart. That evening I asked God to forgive all the things that had happened in the past year, all the anger, and the disobedience, all the hatred, the cruel words, the lying, the stealing, everything. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I do not excuse that behavior at all , or think that it was okay, but I couldn't let it fester in my heart and cause me to harbor all the bitterness.  At that moment I felt real joy, joy that I had been missing for sometime. It was something that I didn't even know I needed, but my prayers had finally been answered and knew I could move forward from this point. I am starting to feel spiritually awake, and such a joy and desire to grow deeper towards God.
If you have felt spiritually dead for awhile, I pray that you search your heart to see if you have any unforgiveness in your heart, it might be the one thing that brings joy back to your soul.