Happy Ending

Without a doubt this past year has been the worst of my life.  There has been so many struggles.  If I try to think through it all, I end up in tears. But through the tears I have found joy. I am a stronger woman today then I could have possibly imagined just one year ago.  I am proud to say I have weathered the storms and I am still standing. I am not standing by my own strength. I am standing because God has held me up. He has blessed me beyond my imagination. I am thankful for all that He has shown me and continues to show me. Even in my sorrow and weariness, my God is there. 
As this year comes to a close and FINALLY we are experiencing some peace to our daily lives....we have a reason to celebrate....

 Besides the fact that Zachary is just the cutest little guy.....we are going to have a baby!!! 
Big things are in the works for next year.... stayed tuned to what we have ahead of us in 2014. 

Finally!!!

Well I am a little late at posting this, but I wanted to make sure everyone was aware....Derek is home!!! 
What an amazingly long and difficult deployment, but thankfully it is now over and hoping that we might actually have some sort of normalcy....fingers crossed!
Here are some pictures of the homecoming.

 This picture made me laugh out loud. This is so us. :) Waiting for Derek to come!

 The vans have arrived!!

 We couldn't wait any longer and ran to meet him at the van.

 Girls giving hugs.

 Zachary with his daddy. I love the look on Laurelin's face.

Yes, we really are that crazy. :) So happy he is home!!

Limping to the finish line

Well we did it; we finished the school year.... in August.
And what a limp to the finish line it was!
This school year I realized one thing.....these kids were not ready to be sent out into the real world as adults. They were fine academically, but behaviorally- nope not there. At that moment priorities shifted. What good were straight A's if they could not have healthy relationships? Don't get me wrong, I don't expect my children to leave the house as grown ups with halos on their heads (although that would be nice. :)) but I am not that silly to set those unrealistic goals on them or on myself. Too many adults have no concept on how to have compassion towards others. Also so many people have no idea how to have a healthy relationship especially when it comes to dating and even as a parent. I didn't want to add to this growing problem, I want children that can be respectful towards others, works hard, has a healthy pride and can keep cool under pressure. Most importantly, valued honesty and integrity. And had a strong desire to follow God.
One major change in our lives.. that had to start with me understanding the importance of this.... Honoring your mother and father. I had gotten to the point where I was yelled at, intimidated, threatened on almost a daily basis.... by my children. And sadly I felt I deserved it. I felt that I had done my kids wrong ( I was reminded of this daily). Once I saw how my children behaved out of my sight though and I realized it was not me; it was them. It was time to change things. It was time to teach my kids the way that God told them to behave, and that was the first one. I was told to teach them His ways, but clearly I wasn't. They didn't have to agree with me, they didn't have to like me, but they did have to show me respect. I deserved it, that was hard to realize at first, but if they couldn't respect me, they wouldn't be able to respect anyone.
The new changes did not go over well.... to say the least. For some kids it was no big deal, they were already doing that, for others....well that created a bigger struggle.
It is very hard to teach children when you have spent hours in a battle with a child who doesn't want to do what they are asked to do. Or to teach a child that is sending death glares your way. Or teach a child that talks bad about you behind your back when you leave the table. It was emotionally draining.
I did learn some different approaches to teaching though. Some days it was just nice to play some educational board games. Netflix has awesome documentary DVDs that offer great discussions with your kids. And honestly some days I just wanted to curl up in a ball and watch a cute movie with your kids.
This next school year I hope things go differently... I pray they go differently. I pray for a school year of peace and harmony. A school year with a teacher excited to teach, and children excited to learn.
This next school year I pray for more chocolate.... and more wine.

Thankful

I have been trying to write this blog post for awhile, but have really been struggling with how exactly to express myself in a way that can truly represent how I feel. I have decided that although it may be clumsy and not very articulate, I felt it was time to say what has been on my heart.
I try very hard to be honest with people I know. I try not to sugar coat my life. I hate pretending that everything is fine, when really it is not. On the other hand I try to protect our privacy and realize that not everyone can be kind and compassionate when it comes to other people's struggles.
I know many people who know us well, know we have had some very hard behavioral struggles primarily with one of our girls. It has been an up and down roller coaster effecting our family dynamics for quite awhile. I love her to pieces, but the behavior I hate. I see such amazing potential, but sadly there is a lot that stands in the way for her to achieve that.
When Derek is home it is bearable. When he is away, it is like torture to make it through some days. This deployment has been hell. The fact that I am still able to be somewhat sane is because I have had to sob to God many times. Also because amazing friends near me who check on me regularly to make sure I am doing okay.
A few months into the deployment we hit a real low, and I didn't know how I could go on much longer. I had to confess to Derek that I was done, and something needed to change. I prayed that God would show me the path we needed to take because I could not do anymore. God brought someone to my mind, someone I honestly did not really know. Someone I talked to briefly maybe two times, but as strange as it seemed God told me to reach out to her. I sent her a message that morning, briefly telling her what was going on and that I didn't know what else to do. I just needed a break, just a few days to breathe again and to enjoy my other children for a change. She replied back within the hour and said "bring her here, we will take her for as long as you need." She didn't know me or my family, but she did it anyways.
She took my child for 3 weeks. I decompressed and I started to heal. Then I was told I had to change my ways. No longer could I let things go on as they were, I had to stand up for myself, I had to take back my life and our family. It has been hard; I am becoming the parent I have to be, even if it goes against my natural tendencies.
Every time there is a struggle or a blow up, she is there. Anytime night or day. She encourages and even tells me what I am doing wrong.... in the nicest way possible.:) Even more amazing.... she requests to take my daughter back for awhile if she thinks it will help.
As another child adds to the struggles and stresses, once again she has stepped in and said "no more, bring them here." I cried with appreciation.
I can't thank this woman....quite frankly the whole family..... enough for everything they have done. They have changed me. They have changed my child. They have given us hope.
Thank you Michele Reinkemeyer for all that you have done.

Confession of a Homeschool Mom

We are heading into the end of another homeschool year. It has had it ups and downs, as most school years do. Being that Derek has been deployed for most of the school year; I am just thankful to have my sanity (somewhat) and the children are all alive.
I feel though like it is time to clear the air on a few things. I hear often from people "wow I can't believe you do that!" or "Wow, you must have so much patience" or any number of compliments of the sort. When people say things like that, I actually inwardly cringe and think to myself  "if they only knew..."
So I felt it was time to confess a few things. To show that homeschooling is not some sort of magical experience made up of genius children and June Cleaver mothers here is a list of things I am willing to admit:

1. I take sick days....even when I am not sick. I have my days where I feel like teaching is equivalent to torture. So I decide to take a day to myself.
2. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic afraid my children are not doing well enough in their school work.
3. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that I am not doing well enough to teach them.
4. I have a child (ren) who feel that homeschool is awful and would prefer to go to public school.
5. We play board games sometimes instead of doing math worksheets.
6. I have googled "how to use a bong" when studying about drugs.
7. I play dance music in the middle of the school work when I have a song stuck in my head and I want us to dance.
8. We have taken vacation days to play Black OPs.
9. Usually at least one child cries a day while doing school work.
10. I make my kids do extra school work when they give me sass.
11. I have cried many times during school time.
12. I am (sometimes) jealous of the school bus full of children who are leaving their homes for the day.
13. Sometimes I put on a movie in the morning and decide to delay schooling.
14. I am nervous when people ask my kids what they are learning in school.
15. I fear being told one day we can't homeschool.
16. I love teaching my kids.
17. I truly do enjoy spending nearly everyday with my children.
18. I have to keep my computer on while doing school work because the kids usually ask me a question I don't have the answer to, and I have to google it.
19. I get giddy in the school supply section of a store.
20. I am sure I am doing it all wrong a lot of the time.
21. I know God is proud of me and wants me to continue.
22. I have criticized unschooling, now seeing how awesome it is.
23. Everything I did not enjoy in school, I am now doing for the second time.
24. My children call Public School "real school".
25. I love meeting other homeschool families.


Okay, now that you have read through my confessions, please feel free to not judge me.  I am so thankful that I have been given the chance to teach my children; even if it brings so many challenges. The joys far out way the sorrows, and I pray I will be able to continue to teach all my children until they all graduate.

70/2

Derek had informed me weeks ago that I would soon be approaching the age where I would be half way to 70. Now mind you, I don't really mind about numbers, I am cool with my age. I don't mind being in my 30's, I am even okay with going into my 40's. But to hear half way to 70...that is another story. That hit me a little hard, and of course my husband was happy to remind me on a daily basis. (He being 6 months younger, somehow makes him the "young" one in the marriage, and free reign to make fun of my age). To top it all off Derek also discovered that 35 is technically the starting age for a woman to be referenced as a "cougar". What is a cougar you may ask? A woman who seeks men who are much younger. I think my husband enjoyed the idea that he was the much younger man. So this started my husband's quest to come up with a birthday party for me and my friends since he would be away for this epic milestone. I had no idea he was planning all of this until I arrived at my friend Erin's house. And this is what awaited me.....

My very own Cougar Party!!!

Derek had sent all the party supplies to Erin's house, complete with "Naughty Girl" necklaces. (For the main reason to embarrass me) 

Anyone who knows me knows my love of sweets, so they gave me a cake, cupcakes AND my favorite oatmeal sammies.

I was so happy to celebrate the evening with some of my closest friends here. 

I had such a wonderful time, and felt so spoiled by my hubby for putting it all together. Even if he did embarrass me horribly. :)

Mushiness

I have control issues..... there I said it. Anyone that has been around me for awhile has heard me say those words, even my kids understand. I am getting A LOT better, but there are still some areas where I think my hands should be there fixing and maneuvering the situation, and only when I have completely got myself tangled up in a mess; do I step back to ask God for help.
This happened to me many years ago when I was about 21 years old. I had managed to get myself into a relationship that I knew deep down I wasn't supposed to be in, but instead of getting out, I figured I could make it work and fix it. The more it went on, the more I wanted out. Thankfully God gave me a perfect path to cut the strings to that relationship with little regret....two months before the wedding day.......
At that moment I knew I couldn't keep taking charge of things, and I had to let God take control. I got on my knees and prayed for God to take over of my life. I was already a Christian mind you, I had just gotten to the point where I thought I could fix and control things on my own. That very day God opened my eyes fully to my feelings towards Derek. I knew when I opened my door that night, he was the one that God had chosen for me.
Fast forward through time.......and today we celebrate our 12 year Anniversary. I am so thankful for God taking control and giving me a man that loves me completely and faithfully. Who makes me feel secure and safe even when we have to spend yet another Anniversary apart. I am thankful that God has blessed us with 7 children!! How amazing is that?!!
One of the best things that we have done as a couple has been to give our children a loving marriage to look at. I mean, we truly love each other! What you see when you meet us, is honestly what we are like most of the time. Don't get me wrong, our marriage is not perfect- we are not perfect, but we have found a few things that help us in our everyday marriage.
1. Divorce is not an option, we never use the "D" word. Since we know that God brought us together, we would be going directly against God's plan, and we know that is not somewhere we want to be.
2. Forever faithful. We do not worry about each others faithfulness while we are apart, we both have vowed to never even attempt to go down that road. Looking at our children, and knowing the devastation that would leave behind has helped us to stay forever faithful.
3. Promises are promises. Whenever we utter the words "I promise", we know those are sacred words. We never say those words unless we mean them.
4. Laughter is important. Spend 5 minutes with us and you will most likely see us laugh. My husband is hilarious. Laughter can get you through most anything.
5. Money isn't everything. "How do you have money to raise 7 children?" We do because God has given us 7 children so we know he will take care of us. This is a big control area for me!! Hardest area for me to let God in.

I am thankful for my husband who does not suffer from control issues, and happily allows me to wield my imaginary control over things. Even if he does take great joy in taking over now and again and watch me panic. ha!

Happy Anniversary Derek Jason!! I am so glad you have tolerated me after all these years. hahahaha!

Green Acres Is the Place To Be!

We have been living in Missouri now for almost a year and a half. I must say, I actually really like it here! Many people over the years would ask "Do you want to be stationed in Fort Leonard Wood?" My response was always "No way!". I am not sure why I had such a negative opinion of this area, I guess I believed we would be in the middle of hicksville, with little means to entertain ourselves for very long. Now I admit, the town I live in is rather small, the only main store is Walmart (which I have a love/hate relationship with), and few other places to really shop. I have discovered this has actually been a good thing, I can no longer go out and mindlessly spend money on frivolous things just because I want to escape from the house.
 When we did not receive our rent money from our house in Washington for over a year, I had to find creative ways to save some money. One was to make my own laundry soap. I also made my own dishwasher detergent. The laundry soap actually turned out quite well, but the dish washing soap, not so much. But it was fun to at least try! I have now bought cloth napkins to help with reducing waste and money. They are a lot nicer to use anyways, and cute! I have started using cloth hand wipes for when the kids wash their hands, instead of that one hand towel that get drenched in water and yuckiness throughout the day. I still buy paper towels though, because there are some messes I just want to toss in the garbage.
I have discovered different ways to buy my food. I now receive eggs from a local lady in a nearby town who raises her own chickens. Best eggs ever! I now buy most of my produce from organic boxes that come every week. What a difference! One of my favorite things has been buying a quarter cow from a nearby Mennonite family. Delicious! I even bought my first gallon of raw milk from a local Amish family. I now make much of my own bread in my new bread maker. I am still intimidated to do it all on my own yet. :) My last experiment was making my own ketchup, it was easy and super yummy.
I am proud of my changes I have made over this time period, it has been a great growing experience and a great way to start depending on my own solutions instead of items off a super market shelf.  Although there are still a few items I will never give up.... store bought toilet paper and store bought feminine products, I am not THAT country! :)

Words Parents Never Wish to Hear

* Please Note : This blog post is very personal to me. I have prayed about this for many days, and feel led to share an intimate part of my life with others, but I also want to protect other peoples privacy. I am not someone who likes to air their dirty laundry, but also I do not like to put on a happy face when there are things God is working on in me.
When you become a parent there are certain things that you fear and want to protect your child from, and you say from day one what you would do in those situations. One of those situations you as a parent always say..... "If someone was to touch my child, I would ......." You are thinking it in your head right now. What happens though when your child comes to you and tells you that someone you knew did something to them? At that moment your world shatters; your bubble you created for your family has now popped. I know this because it happened to me.
As a parent you never want to even imagine something like that happening to your child, but when you are faced with it, what do you do? Who do you call? Where do you turn? These are all things I had to figure out, places I never wanted to know about, people I hoped to never meet.
I am telling my side of the story because I know sadly it is not uncommon. I am so thankful that God granted me to go numb, I couldn't process things well unless I could shut everything out and just focus on being there for my child and making all the calls and appointments I needed to. The second thing I needed to do was tell my husband. That was a conversation, I wish never existed between us.
Next came all the investigations and interviews. All my children were subjected to questioning, I was questioned, my parenting was questioned, my choices questioned. Talk about humbling!! I started questioning myself over everything and felt that I let my child down, I should have known this person was a monster. I wanted to lock the doors and close all the blinds and cuddle with my kids all next to me..... and we did just that.
Even through everything, I could see God's hand moving through our lives. He brought Derek home at the very time I could not go any farther. We needed time to be a whole family and to heal and to find peace.
One of the hardest things to work through, was the rage. That underlying feeling of knowing you could kill someone and sleep well at night afterwards. Never have I known so clearly, then the moment I was in the courthouse and had to see his face again. At that moment I knew. But even with the rage, I felt God's hand on my shoulder pulling me close to Him. He knew I was angry and hurt, and wanted revenge, but he also knew I needed peace, and love and forgiveness. Have I forgiven, no. Will I someday, yes.
I write this to show you that my life is in no way perfect, but to say I have a perfect God. And even with all the horrible things in my life, it does not compare to eternity with my Lord in Savior in Paradise. The second reason I write this is to tell everyone how truly proud I am of my daughter, for telling me the truth and sharing something so personal and horrible. To then say " I want to tell the police because I never want him to hurt another person." She is stronger then me, and I am glad. Because of her standing up and telling the authorities, they discovered he hurt another girl and he is currently behind bars awaiting his hearing.

She's back!!!

Time to get back into the blogging world. I miss recording our life adventures, our ups and downs. And I am sure people missing reading about them. Ha! 

We are now back on the mainland, in the great state of Missouri. Quite the change huh? Yeah, I was not expecting to enjoy it here as much as I have. 

Derek is now Chief Ganley. :) Very proud that he completed his Warrant Officer training even while suffering with meningitis. That was probably one of the scariest things I have witnessed. He is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Military life is never stagnant.

I am still homeschooling, now all the children (minus Zachary). I am much more laid back in years past. I want them to enjoy learning....chuckle.... We still have days of crying and yelling and complaining, and sometimes the kids do that as well. Ha!

I am not sure how long we will be here, my hope is a few more years at least.... I know right?! I dragged my feet for years about coming here, now I get depressed at leaving. Even when I have to worry about ticks, tornadoes and high heat, I think this is probably one of the happiest times of my life. I am blessed beyond words to be married to a man that still loves me after all these years, a family that supports me, kids that have some really great moments, fantastic friends, and a God that loves me every moment of every day. 

Although I can say that I am the happiest I have been, I can also say that I have had some major struggles, especially of late..... more on that later...... Can't wait to capture more of our family's moments for us to remember later down the road.