Forgiveness

Last year was a disaster for our family. We went through a lot. I have enjoyed the (somewhat) peace of the house this year, but I was still having some struggles.  I felt spiritually dead. I kept assuming it was depression or pregnancy hormones. I knew something wasn't right though and I couldn't figure it out. I would pray, but I was often distracted and really uninterested. I even felt distant from some of my children, like I had put up a wall, but couldn't figure out what to do to put it down. I wanted to get back to where I was before, but I was just lacking something.
This past weekend I had to go to Texas for a parent seminar. I really dreaded going to be perfectly honest. I really didn't want to have to sit and talk about how to parent my child, who at this time had been in the program for six months. But I grudgingly went, with a book stashed in my purse to keep me busy in case I became too bored.
I saw so many people on fire for God. A calling in their lives to live for Him and to help girls in trouble. The stories they told!! The power of God is amazing! I sat there though and thought " why don't I feel that way?"  It wasn't until the end of the day as we were praying that I heard God speak to me " You need to forgive."
The next day we went home and it was still on my heart. That evening I asked God to forgive all the things that had happened in the past year, all the anger, and the disobedience, all the hatred, the cruel words, the lying, the stealing, everything. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I do not excuse that behavior at all , or think that it was okay, but I couldn't let it fester in my heart and cause me to harbor all the bitterness.  At that moment I felt real joy, joy that I had been missing for sometime. It was something that I didn't even know I needed, but my prayers had finally been answered and knew I could move forward from this point. I am starting to feel spiritually awake, and such a joy and desire to grow deeper towards God.
If you have felt spiritually dead for awhile, I pray that you search your heart to see if you have any unforgiveness in your heart, it might be the one thing that brings joy back to your soul.

Happy Ending

Without a doubt this past year has been the worst of my life.  There has been so many struggles.  If I try to think through it all, I end up in tears. But through the tears I have found joy. I am a stronger woman today then I could have possibly imagined just one year ago.  I am proud to say I have weathered the storms and I am still standing. I am not standing by my own strength. I am standing because God has held me up. He has blessed me beyond my imagination. I am thankful for all that He has shown me and continues to show me. Even in my sorrow and weariness, my God is there. 
As this year comes to a close and FINALLY we are experiencing some peace to our daily lives....we have a reason to celebrate....

 Besides the fact that Zachary is just the cutest little guy.....we are going to have a baby!!! 
Big things are in the works for next year.... stayed tuned to what we have ahead of us in 2014. 

Finally!!!

Well I am a little late at posting this, but I wanted to make sure everyone was aware....Derek is home!!! 
What an amazingly long and difficult deployment, but thankfully it is now over and hoping that we might actually have some sort of normalcy....fingers crossed!
Here are some pictures of the homecoming.

 This picture made me laugh out loud. This is so us. :) Waiting for Derek to come!

 The vans have arrived!!

 We couldn't wait any longer and ran to meet him at the van.

 Girls giving hugs.

 Zachary with his daddy. I love the look on Laurelin's face.

Yes, we really are that crazy. :) So happy he is home!!

Limping to the finish line

Well we did it; we finished the school year.... in August.
And what a limp to the finish line it was!
This school year I realized one thing.....these kids were not ready to be sent out into the real world as adults. They were fine academically, but behaviorally- nope not there. At that moment priorities shifted. What good were straight A's if they could not have healthy relationships? Don't get me wrong, I don't expect my children to leave the house as grown ups with halos on their heads (although that would be nice. :)) but I am not that silly to set those unrealistic goals on them or on myself. Too many adults have no concept on how to have compassion towards others. Also so many people have no idea how to have a healthy relationship especially when it comes to dating and even as a parent. I didn't want to add to this growing problem, I want children that can be respectful towards others, works hard, has a healthy pride and can keep cool under pressure. Most importantly, valued honesty and integrity. And had a strong desire to follow God.
One major change in our lives.. that had to start with me understanding the importance of this.... Honoring your mother and father. I had gotten to the point where I was yelled at, intimidated, threatened on almost a daily basis.... by my children. And sadly I felt I deserved it. I felt that I had done my kids wrong ( I was reminded of this daily). Once I saw how my children behaved out of my sight though and I realized it was not me; it was them. It was time to change things. It was time to teach my kids the way that God told them to behave, and that was the first one. I was told to teach them His ways, but clearly I wasn't. They didn't have to agree with me, they didn't have to like me, but they did have to show me respect. I deserved it, that was hard to realize at first, but if they couldn't respect me, they wouldn't be able to respect anyone.
The new changes did not go over well.... to say the least. For some kids it was no big deal, they were already doing that, for others....well that created a bigger struggle.
It is very hard to teach children when you have spent hours in a battle with a child who doesn't want to do what they are asked to do. Or to teach a child that is sending death glares your way. Or teach a child that talks bad about you behind your back when you leave the table. It was emotionally draining.
I did learn some different approaches to teaching though. Some days it was just nice to play some educational board games. Netflix has awesome documentary DVDs that offer great discussions with your kids. And honestly some days I just wanted to curl up in a ball and watch a cute movie with your kids.
This next school year I hope things go differently... I pray they go differently. I pray for a school year of peace and harmony. A school year with a teacher excited to teach, and children excited to learn.
This next school year I pray for more chocolate.... and more wine.

Thankful

I have been trying to write this blog post for awhile, but have really been struggling with how exactly to express myself in a way that can truly represent how I feel. I have decided that although it may be clumsy and not very articulate, I felt it was time to say what has been on my heart.
I try very hard to be honest with people I know. I try not to sugar coat my life. I hate pretending that everything is fine, when really it is not. On the other hand I try to protect our privacy and realize that not everyone can be kind and compassionate when it comes to other people's struggles.
I know many people who know us well, know we have had some very hard behavioral struggles primarily with one of our girls. It has been an up and down roller coaster effecting our family dynamics for quite awhile. I love her to pieces, but the behavior I hate. I see such amazing potential, but sadly there is a lot that stands in the way for her to achieve that.
When Derek is home it is bearable. When he is away, it is like torture to make it through some days. This deployment has been hell. The fact that I am still able to be somewhat sane is because I have had to sob to God many times. Also because amazing friends near me who check on me regularly to make sure I am doing okay.
A few months into the deployment we hit a real low, and I didn't know how I could go on much longer. I had to confess to Derek that I was done, and something needed to change. I prayed that God would show me the path we needed to take because I could not do anymore. God brought someone to my mind, someone I honestly did not really know. Someone I talked to briefly maybe two times, but as strange as it seemed God told me to reach out to her. I sent her a message that morning, briefly telling her what was going on and that I didn't know what else to do. I just needed a break, just a few days to breathe again and to enjoy my other children for a change. She replied back within the hour and said "bring her here, we will take her for as long as you need." She didn't know me or my family, but she did it anyways.
She took my child for 3 weeks. I decompressed and I started to heal. Then I was told I had to change my ways. No longer could I let things go on as they were, I had to stand up for myself, I had to take back my life and our family. It has been hard; I am becoming the parent I have to be, even if it goes against my natural tendencies.
Every time there is a struggle or a blow up, she is there. Anytime night or day. She encourages and even tells me what I am doing wrong.... in the nicest way possible.:) Even more amazing.... she requests to take my daughter back for awhile if she thinks it will help.
As another child adds to the struggles and stresses, once again she has stepped in and said "no more, bring them here." I cried with appreciation.
I can't thank this woman....quite frankly the whole family..... enough for everything they have done. They have changed me. They have changed my child. They have given us hope.
Thank you Michele Reinkemeyer for all that you have done.

Confession of a Homeschool Mom

We are heading into the end of another homeschool year. It has had it ups and downs, as most school years do. Being that Derek has been deployed for most of the school year; I am just thankful to have my sanity (somewhat) and the children are all alive.
I feel though like it is time to clear the air on a few things. I hear often from people "wow I can't believe you do that!" or "Wow, you must have so much patience" or any number of compliments of the sort. When people say things like that, I actually inwardly cringe and think to myself  "if they only knew..."
So I felt it was time to confess a few things. To show that homeschooling is not some sort of magical experience made up of genius children and June Cleaver mothers here is a list of things I am willing to admit:

1. I take sick days....even when I am not sick. I have my days where I feel like teaching is equivalent to torture. So I decide to take a day to myself.
2. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic afraid my children are not doing well enough in their school work.
3. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that I am not doing well enough to teach them.
4. I have a child (ren) who feel that homeschool is awful and would prefer to go to public school.
5. We play board games sometimes instead of doing math worksheets.
6. I have googled "how to use a bong" when studying about drugs.
7. I play dance music in the middle of the school work when I have a song stuck in my head and I want us to dance.
8. We have taken vacation days to play Black OPs.
9. Usually at least one child cries a day while doing school work.
10. I make my kids do extra school work when they give me sass.
11. I have cried many times during school time.
12. I am (sometimes) jealous of the school bus full of children who are leaving their homes for the day.
13. Sometimes I put on a movie in the morning and decide to delay schooling.
14. I am nervous when people ask my kids what they are learning in school.
15. I fear being told one day we can't homeschool.
16. I love teaching my kids.
17. I truly do enjoy spending nearly everyday with my children.
18. I have to keep my computer on while doing school work because the kids usually ask me a question I don't have the answer to, and I have to google it.
19. I get giddy in the school supply section of a store.
20. I am sure I am doing it all wrong a lot of the time.
21. I know God is proud of me and wants me to continue.
22. I have criticized unschooling, now seeing how awesome it is.
23. Everything I did not enjoy in school, I am now doing for the second time.
24. My children call Public School "real school".
25. I love meeting other homeschool families.


Okay, now that you have read through my confessions, please feel free to not judge me.  I am so thankful that I have been given the chance to teach my children; even if it brings so many challenges. The joys far out way the sorrows, and I pray I will be able to continue to teach all my children until they all graduate.

70/2

Derek had informed me weeks ago that I would soon be approaching the age where I would be half way to 70. Now mind you, I don't really mind about numbers, I am cool with my age. I don't mind being in my 30's, I am even okay with going into my 40's. But to hear half way to 70...that is another story. That hit me a little hard, and of course my husband was happy to remind me on a daily basis. (He being 6 months younger, somehow makes him the "young" one in the marriage, and free reign to make fun of my age). To top it all off Derek also discovered that 35 is technically the starting age for a woman to be referenced as a "cougar". What is a cougar you may ask? A woman who seeks men who are much younger. I think my husband enjoyed the idea that he was the much younger man. So this started my husband's quest to come up with a birthday party for me and my friends since he would be away for this epic milestone. I had no idea he was planning all of this until I arrived at my friend Erin's house. And this is what awaited me.....

My very own Cougar Party!!!

Derek had sent all the party supplies to Erin's house, complete with "Naughty Girl" necklaces. (For the main reason to embarrass me) 

Anyone who knows me knows my love of sweets, so they gave me a cake, cupcakes AND my favorite oatmeal sammies.

I was so happy to celebrate the evening with some of my closest friends here. 

I had such a wonderful time, and felt so spoiled by my hubby for putting it all together. Even if he did embarrass me horribly. :)